


One Word I Didn't Say

by toogayforthisbull



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, So much angst, fill in the blanks, read after watching 4x02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25772143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toogayforthisbull/pseuds/toogayforthisbull
Summary: Nicole had to learn to live without them. She had to learn how to survive. But she would always be haunted by the one word she didn't say.orAnother "Nicole during the 18 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days" fic.
Relationships: Waverly Earp & Nicole Haught, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 13
Kudos: 127





	1. The Half of It

Nicole’s leg was broken, that she was _definitely_ aware of. Now surrounded by zombies that were beaver-dammed to hell, she needed to find a way out of there. She adjusted slightly, feeling a sharp pain in her leg. Closing her eyes tightly in response to the pain, she choked down the cry that was begging to come out. She looked towards Rachel to try to come up with a plan. What she told Wynonna was true, she needed medical attention and the sooner she got it, the better. 

Breathing deeply she said, “Okay Rachel, we need something to stabilize my leg so we can get out of here. Can you look around the zombie bodies to see if there’s something long and straight and maybe some string or wire?” 

Rachel nodded as she watched Nicole grimace again in pain. She carefully stepped around the bodies and found two long pieces of metal that came off of the door being blown up. Rachel grabbed them and looked around for some wire, trying not to be too grossed out by the zombie goo on the floor. Underneath a body, she saw the lanyard of their BBD badge. She went to reach out for it, scrunching her nose in disgust before she remembered that they had two perfectly good lanyards that were _not_ covered in zombie guck over by her dead mother’s body. Placing the metal bars near Nicole as the red-head looked toward her with questioning eyes, she made her way to the machine where her mother was. She found the lanyard that she swiped through the machine on the floor but couldn’t find the one Wynonna swiped. Taking a deep breath, she looked down at the lanyard still sitting around her mom’s neck, quickly grabbed and broke the clasp as she looked away. 

Blinking the tears away that were threatening to fall, Rachel made her way back to Nicole. 

“Um, okay I’m not quite sure what I’m doing but this is the best I could find,” Rachel said as she held up the lanyards in her hand. 

Nicole nodded encouragingly. “I think that should work, good job. Now just straighten out my leg the best you can, put a rod on each side of it, and tie it together as tight as you can with the lanyards. I’m going to warn you now - this will hurt me. I’ll try my best not to yell or scream but if I do, don’t stop. We need to get out of here.” 

Rachel nodded in understanding and started working on Nicole’s leg. Her hands shook as she tried to ignore Nicole’s hisses of pain. She worked as quickly as she could and when she was finished she looked up at Nicole who gave Rachel her best attempt at a smile. 

“You did good, kid. Now help me up and we’ll find a way out of here.” 

~____~

Somehow, by some act of God or just luck, they made it out. Rachel helped Nicole into the passenger seat of the truck, pulling the seat as far back as it would go to make room for her injured leg. She jumped into the driver seat and took a deep breath as Nicole held out the keys to her. Rachel went to grab the keys before Nicole closed her hand over them, her eyebrows drawing together. 

“How old are you again?” she asked, giving her a questionable look and pursing her lips.

“16,” Rachel answered sternly. 

“Andddd do you have a permit or license?” Nicole followed up with the Sheriff in her trying to think things through. 

“Um, no. But my mom _did_ take me out driving a couple of times. So, I know what to do in order not to crash. Anyways… you don’t really have another option right now.” 

Nicole accepted her defeat with a shrug and opened up her hand to give Rachel the keys. With a slight smirk, Rachel took the keys from her and started the truck. 

As they backed out of the abandoned building lot, Nicole clenched her jaw and hissed in pain. The adrenaline that got them through the building was wearing off. Rachel glanced over at her as she tried to keep her eyes on the road and knew she needed a distraction.

“So… tell me about this angel of yours that was worth all of this.” Rachel said as she tightened her grip on the wheel. 

Nicole gave her a breathy laugh in response. “Her name is Waverly. Waverly Earp. And believe me, if you met her you would understand.” Nicole closed her eyes as she imagined the woman she would do anything to save. “Waverly just has this sweetness to her that is infectious to everyone she’s around. She walks into a room and it feels like a breath of fresh air just walked in. She,” Nicole laughed lightly, “she refuses to swear 95% of the time and always tries to see the best in people, even if they don’t deserve it.” Nicole shook her head and smiled lightly as she remembered all the reasons she loves the other woman. “Her laugh fills up the room and makes you feel like a kid waking up on Christmas morning. When she smiles she gets these crinkles in her eyes that let you know it’s a real smile, not just the smile and wave she gives to everyone. She is just truly, truly, extraordinary.” 

Rachel gave a brief look toward Nicole and saw the lovestruck look on her face and at least knew she succeeded with her plan of distracting her from the pain. 

“Sounds like you really love her,” Rachel said, focusing her eyes on the road back towards Purgatory. “I hope I find something like that one day,” she added in a whisper. 

“You will,” Nicole said softly, “you will.” 

* * *

**5 days**

It turns out making a very make-shift splint and then walking up three flights of stairs with assistance of a much shorter 16-year-old, wasn’t that great to do on a broken leg. It took five days in the hospital to recover and Nicole hadn’t heard anything from any of her friends. Obviously, she knew there wasn’t cell phone reception in the Garden but she was hoping that Wynonna would have gotten Waverly and Doc out of there by now and found her in Purgatory’s hospital. She tried calling them to no avail and even tried calling the station. The only time she got through to the station there was a bunch of static and then maniacal laughing on the other end. Nicole was desperate for some kind of sign that Waverly and her friends were okay, that whatever was in the Garden wasn’t keeping them there… or worse. 

The nurses were nice enough to set up a cot for Rachel in Nicole’s room. She was happy they knew not to ask too many questions when she said she fell while doing work on the roof and that Rachel was her niece that was coming to live with her for a while. 

Rachel stayed quiet most of the time but the two of them filled their days on watching trashy soap operas, which were one of the only things that would play on the hospital TV. They both knew they needed a distraction from the things they lost that were on their mind. 

Nicole was discharged with a list of what to do and what not to do as she recovers. The doctors gave her the option of taking home crutches or a wheelchair and being the stubborn red-head that she is, she chose crutches. She thought it would give her more independence during her recovery. She didn’t want to inconvenience Waverly or Rachel or anyone more than she had to. Anyways, she wanted to stay at the Homestead to wait for Wynonna, Waverly, and Doc and the old house wasn’t exactly very wheelchair accessible. 

One of the nurses who took a liking to the two of them was getting off her shift and insisted on driving them home, speculating how they even got to the hospital in the first place with a broken leg and an unlicensed 16-year-old. The nice nurse even offered to bring the truck to the Homestead the next day after her shift. 

Nicole was getting used to her crutches as she headed towards the Homestead. Rachel was carrying the cat carrier; Nicole was able to convince the nurse to stop and grab her and was happy she had an auto feeder for the cat set up. She was hoping the Earps and Doc would be waiting for her there but the lack of movement or light coming from the house wasn’t a good sign.

Opening the door, she knew no one had been there since Wynonna left it last. Dust was floating around the air as the sunlight from the sun setting hit it and out of the corner of her eye, she could see “VALDEZ” carved into the wall by the staircase. She turned on the light and it flickered on above her. Taking a deep breath, she pushed herself forward inside. 

Rachel walked in behind her with CJ in tow and looked around the place. “Anyone home?” she asked Nicole as she placed the cat down and opened the carrier. 

Nicole just pressed her lips together as she went into the kitchen. “Doesn’t look like it,” she said in a disappointed whisper. 

She looked around the kitchen and noticed the knife sticking out of the crown molding and shook her head - it wasn’t that surprising for sharp objects to be sticking out of the wall. Nicole plopped herself down on a chair at the kitchen table and placed her face in her hands. She heard footsteps approaching and looked up as she ran her hands through her short hair. 

Rachel approached and sat on the opposite side of Nicole. “I’m sorry,” she whispered as she looked down at her fidgeting hands. “I know you were hoping they would be here.” 

Nicole slammed her hands down on the table. “Yeah, well that’s just how it works out sometimes.” She took a breath to relax and push down her disappointment. “Anyway, pizza tonight and we’ll hit the grocery store in the morning?” 

Rachel nodded along and chanced a glance at her new friend, seeing the hurt written all over her face. “Sounds good.” 

* * *

**1 month, 3 days**

Nicole was sitting with her casted leg propped up on the couch with a sharpie in her hand. Rachel was sitting on the floor with her back against the opposite end of the couch. They had one of their shitty soap operas playing that they had recently gotten really invested in. With the town going haywire like the old west, they spent most of their days inside except when their motion detector alarm went off and they went out with a shotgun to protect the Homestead. Nicole knew she should probably try to get Rachel to watch or do something educational but she figured the girl needed a break after living with rats for six months just to find out her mom was dead. 

“Chad is totally Eve’s and Julian’s son! I mean he’s an orphan who came looking for his family and the timeline fits perfectly for when they had their affair,” Rachel stated as she shoved a handful of popcorn into her mouth. 

“Okay, but then there are some serious almost incestuous things going on with BOTH of Eve’s daughters being in love with him. Like they need to figure it out before some shit goes down,” Nicole grimaced at the thought as she drew on her cast. 

_Passions_ went to commercial as Chad and Eve’s daughter Whitney shared a passionate kiss and Rachel looked up towards Nicole. 

“Nick, what _are_ you doing to that innocent cast?” 

“Oh, um, I’m just drawing some… some dicks on it,” Nicole admitted as she pursed her lips and looked away. 

Rachel raised her eyebrows, “I thought you were more about the lady bits than what you’re scribbling on yourself there.” 

Nicole threw a pillow at Rachel knocking over what was left of the bowl of popcorn. 

“Hey! I am. It’s just….” she paused as she closed her eyes and heard a commercial for Geico play in the background and breathed out deeply.

“Wynonna promised me she would draw dicks all over my cast and since I get it off in a couple of weeks… I just thought she’d want there to be a least one dick somewhere on it. The angle is a little weird for me though so the one I drew is a little… abstract." 

Rachel shook her head and laughed, getting up from her spot on the floor and sat next to Nicole. She looked at Nicole until the red-head made eye contact with her and took the sharpie out of her hand. 

“I think she would like a lot more than one on there. Let me get to work.” 

They both laughed as Rachel continued drawing dicks of all sizes and hairiness over her cast as _Passions_ came back on the screen. When the episode ended Rachel stretched and got up from the couch, turning around to face Nicole. 

“They’re gonna come back you know.” 

Nicole traced the new art on her cast with her fingertip, “I know. I just need to make sure there’s something to come back to when they do.” 

As if the universe was waiting for her to say that line the alarm for their motion detector went off. Nicole’s eyes went wide as she grabbed the shotgun next to the couch and tossed it to Rachel, with the safety on of course. They’d been through this procedure a lot in the last month so she knew what to do. With a nod, Rachel headed out the door. 

* * *

**3 months, 1 week, 2 days**

_“Merry Christmas, my angel,”_ Nicole whispered while in bed. It took her two months to finally work up the courage to sleep in Waverly’s room. Even with her broken leg, she slept on the couch until one day she went in to find something and felt Waverly’s presence more than ever. From that night on, she slept in the bed they shared; Waverly’s bonus blankets piled at the footboard. She knew it might be silly that she still talked to Waverly, especially on the days where things were the hardest, but it helped her feel closer to her. She opened her eyes and saw the sun beaming through the window but decided to ignore it and turned over, pulling the covers over her head. 

It wasn’t much longer when Nicole heard Rachels soft knock on the door. Trying to muster up the energy, she turned around to see the teenager smiling at her from the door, which was something she didn’t do that often. The sight of it made Nicole smile and push down her misery for a moment. 

“I made breakfast if you want some. It was my first time making pancakes… so they’re not the prettiest things but they taste like pancakes. Come downstairs when you’re ready.” 

“Thanks, Rachel. I’ll be down in just a minute. Oh,” she said just as Rachel was starting to turn around, “Merry Christmas.” 

Nicole was expecting a plate of questionably looking pancakes when she walked down the stairs but was surprised by the twinkle lights and garland she saw hanging around, with Rachel at the bottom of the stairs with a shy smile on her face. 

“I, um, found some stuff in the barn the other day. And my mom, she, uh, she always tried to make Christmas something special. So, um, I wanted to try to make our first one together a little special too, I guess. Even if we both wish the ones we love most were here too.” 

Rachel looked at Nicole as she stayed silent and she looked at the decorations she woke up early to place around the house. 

“It’s okay if you think it’s silly or whatever… I can take them down.” 

Nicole took the few steps she had left to the bottom of the staircase and placed a hand on Rachel’s shoulder, then quickly pulled her into a hug. Rachel let her hands hover for a second before giving the red-head a hug back. They might have lived together for over three months now but they weren’t exactly the touchy-feely type. Rachel was a teenager after all. 

“It’s wonderful. Thank you, Rachel. I feel like I should have done this for you, I’m… I’m sorry. I was so caught up in my own grief I didn’t realize how hard this would be without your mom.” 

Rachel just nodded as she pulled away from the hug. 

“Oh, and I made Ponchu Navideño, my mom used to make it for me every Christmas. It’s not as good as hers but it’s still pretty good. It’s kind of like a cider. It’s made with different fruits, nuts, and cinnamon. It’s on the stove if you would like to try some.” 

Nicole smiled and made her way to the kitchen where Rachel was already sitting enjoying her Ponchu Navideño and pancakes. 

After they finished their breakfast, Nicole broke the silence that fell over them. “So, um, I got you something and there’s kind of a silly tradition that I would like to do if you’re up for it,” she challenged with a smirk. 

“As long as one of us doesn’t end up with a broken bone, I’m game,” Rachel sneered back as she gathered the dishes. 

“And, I got you something too… it’s under the tree.” 

“Tree?!” Nicole exclaimed as she quickly got up, her chair screeching on the kitchen floor as she pushed back from the table. 

Sure enough, sitting by the window in the living room was one of the wimpiest pine trees she had ever seen being held up by a Pringles container filled with rocks. Underneath was a small present wrapped in newspaper and on top sat a small tampon angel. Nicole reached her hand out to touch the angel as tears formed in her eyes.

Rachel cleared her throat from the doorway. 

“Yeah, I, um, I took the only one I could cut down from the yard so it’s not great but I figured it was better than no tree. My mom always said her favorite part of the holiday was family but the tree was a close second,” she said as she laughed sadly. 

Nicole blinked away her tears and turned around. “It’s perfect.” 

Stepping back into the kitchen Nicole continued talking to Rachel. “Now, for that tradition… have you ever heard of Christmas poppers?” 

Rachel shook her head as Nicole reached the drawer she was looking for, pulling out the tubes with ribbons tied at the end. 

“Well, how it works is that we each pull one end and whoever gets the longer end gets to keep whatever is inside that one. I have one for each of us. Oh… it also comes with a little paper crown that you _have to_ wear for the rest of the day.” 

Rachel rolled her eyes but the smile on her face gave her away. Nicole was standing in front of her with the sparkly cardboard tube in her hand with the other end pointing towards Rachel. Rachel rolled her eyes again for good measure but took the other end and tugged. Quickly there was a _pop!_ and confetti flew out into Nicole’s face causing them both to laugh as Nicole spit a piece out that landed in her mouth. 

“Well, looks like you're the winner there, kid. What’d you get?” 

Rachel took out an orange plastic top, a joke on a small piece of paper, an army figure, and lastly, a blue paper crown. 

“Ohhh, blue is totally your color, girl,” Nicole laughed as she placed the delicate crown on Rachel’s head.

The two of them spent the rest of the day talking about their holidays with their loved ones around a fire in the yard until it started to get dark. With a yawn, Rachel started heading up the stairs before Nicole stopped her. 

“Hold up there sleepy head, we haven’t exchanged presents yet,” Nicole said as she gestured to the living room. 

Sometime during the day when Rachel wasn’t looking Nicole placed her gift under the tree next to the other one. Sitting criss-cross on the floor Nicole picked up her carefully wrapped gift and handed it to Rachel. 

Rachel took it, and not expecting it to be so heavy, almost dropped it but quickly recovered. She looked at Nicole whose eyes were urging her to open it. Careful not to rip any of the wrapping paper, she unfolded every corner until she could slide out what was inside. She first saw the light blue glass shine off the twinkle lights in the room. When it was fully out she sat with it in her hands and marveled at it. It was a mosaic glass picture frame full of different hues of blue glass in delicate patterns. 

Nicole watched as she was looking down at it and couldn’t tell if she liked it or not.

“I just, um, I noticed you have that picture of your mom. The one in the mirror in your room and thought you might want something to keep it safe. If, if you don’t like it we can exchange it for a different one-” 

Nicole was interrupted by Rachel pushing her down in a hug. “I love it,” she whispered as she composed herself and sat back down. “Um, here,” she sniffled, pushing the newspaper-wrapped gift towards her, “this one is for you.” 

Unlike Rachel, Nicole just ripped her gift right open without haste. Once unwrapped, she saw a dark brown leather notebook with elegant engravings on the cover. It had a leather strap that wrapped around it that was blocking some of the letters. She carefully unwounded it and pressed her fingers along the engravings. In perfect cursive letters, it said _Waverly, Wynonna, Doc, Dolls, Jeremy, Robin, Alice, Nedley._

Nicole tried to keep the tears at bay but was finding it hard to and she heard the splatter of one hit the leather. Rachel came next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. 

“I thought it might be nice to write down the memories you tell me about all the time.” 

Nicole just nodded and wiped away her tears. She looked at Rachel, “Thank you.” 

The two of them didn’t need to say anything more since they knew that now they both just had to deal with the emotions overcoming them by themselves. 

Back in Waverly’s room, Nicole refused to call it her room, Nicole placed the journal on the bed as she picked up the gifts on the bureau and opened the closet door. Carefully, she placed each elegantly wrapped gift on a shelf in the closet. Each one had a tag and in neat cursive read _Wynonna, Jeremy, Doc, Nedley, Robin, Wavery_. 

* * *

**6 months**

_My love, Waverly,_

_It has now been exactly six months since you went into the garden. I hope it’s nice there. I hope it’s like that vacation to Hawaii that you always wanted to take. I hope it’s full of green grass and flowers and has beautiful beaches, all of which we never get to see here in Purgatory. However, even if it is paradise, I hope, more than anything, that you find your way home to me._

_I just hope where you are is better than it is here. Purgatory is now an actual lawless land with demons and the worst of humankind uniting to wreak havoc on the town we call home, or at least once called home. I’m not sure how much of Purgatory you’ll recognize when you come back but I’m keeping the Homestead safe for you. I’ve tried my best to leave it more or less how we found it. I did take the knife out of the wall and we sanded down the carving of Valdez on the stairs. And I thought it was important that Rachel feel at home here, so she’s taken over the attic as her little hideaway. We had to kill wayyy too many spiders to make that happen… But besides that, I’ve tried to keep it as you left it. I want one thing to remain as you remember for when you come back._

_I’m guessing Wynonna told you about Rachel already but we’ve grown really close in the past six months. She’s become the little sister I never had. She actually reminds me a lot of Wynonna which hurts sometimes. But I think it’s a good thing. It keeps me thinking about all of you, not that I could ever stop. It keeps me fighting._

_I miss you more than you could ever know. I promised you I would go where you went and I still kick myself for not using all my strength to get off my broken leg and into the garden. Maybe I could have brought you back sooner. Maybe we would be together now and every breath I take wouldn't hurt as much._

_I try to keep myself distracted from the what-ifs and about what could be happening to the three of you in the garden. I’ve been fixing the barn up as best as I can and I work on your Jeep and Wynonna’s truck to keep them up and running for when you guys come back. And I talk to you. I talk to you every night. I know you’re not here but sometimes I’ll see branches waving in the wind and think it’s your hair, or hear a whisper that sounds just like your voice, or feel a sudden warmth around me like you’re giving me a hug. Those are the hardest days. When I get a glimpse into what I think could be you returning just to have it ripped away just as quickly. Even harder than those are the dreams I have of you..._

_So many things have passed by that I wish I could’ve spent with you. Our anniversary, your birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s day… my birthday is coming up in a few months and the only gift I want in this world is you in my arms. I hope you don’t think it’s silly that I’ve gotten you gifts for the occasions we’ve missed together. I always buy them a few weeks ahead of time just in case you come back so I’m prepared. There’s one specifically that I can’t wait to give you. But I will. I will wait as long as I need to for you to come back to me. I love you, Waverly Earp, now and always._

_Forever loyal,_

_Nicole Haught_

~___~

Nicole closed her eyes as she slammed the notebook shut. With her eyes shut tight she traced Waverly’s name on the cover before wrapping the leather tie around the book. Carefully placing it on the bed she was sitting on, she walked over to Waverly’s dresser and opened up the sock drawer. She ran a finger over the small velvet box that laid there in the corner, a pair of socks almost covering it. 

With every passing day, week, and month, the more Nicole thought she wouldn’t get the chance to tell Waverly the answer to her proposal. She hated knowing that she was in the garden for this long not knowing what she would say. There was no doubt in Nicole’s mind that her answer was going to be anything other than yes. She's pretty sure if the other woman asked her to marry her when she was still with Champ she would've said yes. It would always be yes. 

She opened up the box to look at the ring she chose for Waverly when she went into the city for their monthly supplies. She wasn’t necessarily looking for a ring but she saw it as she walked past a vintage consignment shop and knew that she was meant to give it to Waverly, at the right time. It had a white gold band that shaped into wings leading up to the opal stone in the center. There were small diamonds on the wings on the side and it had a delicacy about it that was just so _Waverly._ Nicole just hoped she got the chance to give it to her. 

Nicole clicked the box shut as she heard the familiar sounds of the motion detector alarm going off. She slammed the drawer shut and rushed downstairs, quickly grabbing a jacket and the shotgun by the door. 

Clicking the gun, she yelled at the person she saw trying to break into the barn, “You decided to mess with the wrong household, you shit-ticket!” 

She fired a warning shot into the barn wall next to the person. She never knew if they were demons or humans so she has avoided killing anyone so far. Most of them ran off once they saw the place was armed and protected. They were always looking for something to steal, something to draw blood from… but there were easier targets. 

The man, well at least it appeared to be a man, turned around with a sinister grin on his face at the sound of the gunshot. 

“Well, well, what do we have here? A little mermaid protecting the relics of Earp's past?”

Nicole narrowed her eyes at the man as she got closer, never aiming the gun away from him. He was tall, taller than she was… and skinny. He had on a loose coat but had dirty jeans on and was barefoot in the snow. 

“I suggest,” Nicole breathed out, “you get out of here before I blow your brains out.” 

The man snickered wildly. “Hehehe, little girl. I don’t thinkkk soo,” he said in an almost sing-songy voice. “You, you have something I want. And I’m not going anywhere until I get it.” 

He turned around then and started pulling away at the blockade that Nicole had made for the barn. No matter what they did it seemed like everything bad in the God-forsaken town was drawn to it. She walked closer to him and aimed the barrel of the gun at his head. 

“Get off this property now or you’re dead.”

He turned around and walked up to her until his forehead was against the barrel. 

“I don’t think you’ll do it, sweetie. The Earp that would take the shot to protect you is gone, *poof*, like she was never even here. Her and her little darling of a sister. And they aren’t _ever_ coming back.” 

The evil maniacal laugh filled Nicole’s ears as she shut her eyes. She wasn’t even aware that she pulled the trigger. 

Blood splattered on her face and jacket as she heard the crunch of the snow as the body fell on it. She opened her eyes in shock as her arm fell limp to her side with the shotgun. This was a lot different than shooting at zombies or someone who was actively attacking her. She didn’t know if the man lying dead in front of her was a demon, a human, or something else entirely, but either way, _she_ killed him. 

Nicole swallowed hard and breathed in the cold air in rapid breaths. She leaned the gun against the barricade and grabbed the man by his ankles, the smell of his bare feet tickling her nose as she gagged on the smell and the reality of what she had done. She pulled him to the back of the barn, red soaking the snow as she dragged him. Looking down at the body, she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth to stop her trembling chin. She closed her eyes as her hands turned into fists and turned back towards the Homestead without looking down again. She grabbed the shotgun and made her way inside. 

Once the door was closed, she fell to the floor with her back against the door. With the gun across her knees, she brought her forehead to it and let the tears out that were threatening to fall. She was relieved that it was Rachel’s turn to go into the city to get the supplies. She had a couple more hours until she should be back home. 

She looked at her hands holding the gun through her tear-stricken eyes and tightened her grip. She shook her head and wiped the tears away with the corner of her jacket. Standing up, she put the gun back where she first grabbed it from and headed back outside. 

She grabbed a dolly and rope from the side of the barn and made her way to the body. To the best of her ability, she placed the body on the moving dolly tying the rope to keep it in place. Once ‘packaged’ up she used all her strength to push him through the snow to the woods outlining the property. She untied his body and put her arms under his armpits to lift him up and place it next to a tree face down. 

Taking a second to breathe, she looked around the area. Nicole didn’t come out to the woods surrounding the Homestead often and definitely never thought she would be placing a body there. The sun was starting to set and the trees casted shadows on the ground around her as the light came through. 

Grabbing the dolly with one hand, Nicole made her way back to the side of the barn and grabbed the shovel leaning against the building. She carefully covered the streaks of blood with white snow. 

Exhausted and freezing, she made her way back inside. She went to the basement, stripped and threw her clothes into the washer. Shivering as she made her way upstairs, she went into the shower and turned it on as hot as the old house would let her. She stepped in and looked down as the pink-tinted water went down the drain and tasted iron on her lips. Overwhelmed, Nicole sat down and drew her knees to her head as she whispered " _I'm sorry, Waverly,"_ and rocked herself back and forth. 

She's not sure how long she sat like that before finally getting up when she heard the sound of the front door clicking and Rachel's voice booming through the empty house. 

She finished cleaning herself up and quickly got changed. Rachel was in the kitchen unloading the supplies she had grabbed when Nicole had made her way down. 

Nicole had never been so happy that she taught the girl how to drive properly and decided as technically Sheriff of the town to give her a driver's license. 

"How was the Homestead while I was gone?" Rachel asked as she continued unpacking. 

"Uneventful," Nicole said looking away from her. "Just did some laundry and showered. Stirfry for dinner sound good?" she asked as she opened up the fridge. 

Rachel nodded and handed her some green beans she just picked up. "Sounds good, Red." 

* * *

**8 months, 3 weeks, 1 day**

Rachel woke up in the middle of the night to what sounds like scratching on the wall somewhere downstairs. Hoping that Nicole would deal with whatever animal got in, she covered her head with her pillow to try and drown it out. The scratching continued much to her annoyance and just as she was about to go and wake up Nicole to go deal with it she heard a sound so loud and _sad_ that she didn't even know what it was. 

She quickly got up and made her way to where the noise came from, with a baseball bat in her hand just in case. Even with just the moonlight coming through the window, Rachel could see Nicole's silhouette in the hallway as she came down from her room. She was on the floor across from her room and was scrapping _something_ across the wall. 

"Nicole?" Rachel whispered harshly into the darkness. 

There was no response, just the continued sounds of scratching along the wall. 

"Nicole!" Rachel screamed with more force, stepping carefully through the creeky hallway. 

Still, with no response, Rachel went over and flicked the light switch on, squinting as her eyes adjusted to the brightness. Even as her eyes adjusted, she doesn't think anything could have prepared her for the sight in front of her. 

Nicole was on the floor with a knife carving something into the old wood paneling _over and over_ again. Rachel was taking in the scene in front of her before she saw the blood drilling from Nicole’s palm. 

"Nicole, God - you're bleeding!" she said as she quickly rushed to the floor next to her. 

When Nicole still didn't stop carving, Rachel gently touched her shoulder. Nicole quickly turned towards her with hollow eyes still holding the knife in the air but now pointed towards the teenager. 

Rachel flinched at the action, not recognizing this person as the Nicole she had gotten to know. 

Nicole blinked quickly as she furrowed her eyebrows, her arm subconsciously falling, the knife going down with it. 

"Rachel," she said softly, her voice gravelly with sleep, "what are you doing in the hallway in the middle of the night?" 

Nicole then looked down at her bleeding hand and furrowed her eyebrows even deeper. She looked up at Rachel with fear in her eyes as she saw tears drop from the younger girl's face. 

"Rachel," her voice broke a little, "what, uh, what happened?" 

Rachel looked at her and Nicole could see how scared she was as the tears kept falling silently. 

"Um, I heard noises and you were here and _the knife…_ " Rachel tried to steady her breath and frame her thoughts coherently. 

Nicole looked at her other hand, noticing the knife for the first time and almost threw it against the wall to get it away from her. 

"I'm, I'm sorry. I don't rem-remember anything. What, um, what was I doing?" 

With a shaky hand, Rachel pointed to the wall next to them. 

Nicole looked at it with her pupils dilated as she read the words _yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,_ carved over and over again into the wall. 

  
  
  
  
  



	2. The Other Half

**10 months, 1 week, 2 days**

Nicole was making her way back to the Homestead from the city. Their monthly trips were turning more into bi-monthly trips as her savings started to dry up. However, she made friends with a pawn shop owner over there whose brother was an arms dealer and would give them a discount in exchange for homemade kombucha that Rachel had taken up making after watching too many TikTok videos about it. Nicole didn’t like her using the app but she swore people thought her ‘how to set up a monster trap’ videos were fake. Even if money was tight, Nicole would do what she had to to keep the Homestead and Rachel safe. The truck bed had a container with two new guns and a hoard of bullets to tide them over. 

She was usually very focused on her drive back, taking the back roads and avoiding the center of town as much as possible. She was at a red light on her way back, mindlessly drumming her fingers on the steering wheel when out of the corner of her eye she could've sworn she saw Waverly laying face down in the snowbank on the side of the road. Nicole squinted her eyes to focus as she mind-boggled at all of the scenarios for her love to end up there before she was interrupted by a loud horn in back of her. She quickly moved forward and turned her car to the right side of the road after passing the now bright green light. Pulling over, she quickly got out of the truck and ran over to where she  _ swore  _ she saw Waverly laying. Once she got to the spot, almost tripping as she skidded in the snow, she began to crumble. Fisting the cold snow in her bare hands, she looked down at the discarded jacket and accumulation of leaves she thought was her lost love. 

It had been happening more. Seeing Waverly. As time went on she found it harder and harder to remember the little things about Waverly that she loved so much. The sound of her laugh, the comforting feeling of her hand in hers, the fiery temper she could get and how her voice would change depending on who she was with. It always had a soft sweetness to it when Waverly was talking to her. The more memories she felt slipping away from her, the more she saw  _ her.  _ She wrote everything down in the journal Rachel gave her; the memories, letters to Waverly, hopes for the future she hoped they would have together. And she placed countless pictures around their room, looking at the one of Waverly smiling that was placed on her nightstand before going to sleep each night. But she still felt things slipping. Sliding off an icy slope and off a cliff to never return. 

Every time she saw Waverly it would be different. Sometimes she would be exactly how she last saw her, hair partly up in a braid and her beautiful waves blowing in the wind. Other times her hair would be chopped off roughly, scars and bruises covering her pale skin. She saw her sitting at the kitchen table at the Homestead, in the barn, in the faces of people walking by in the city. Usually, she could push it down and rationalize that it wasn’t really Waverly. But sometimes she would give in and the devastation it brought was a feeling like no other. 

Nicole closed her eyes as the snow melted between her fingers. She took one shaky breath and stood up and went to the truck. Distracted by the incident she didn’t notice that she started going to the station on auto-pilot. She didn’t notice until she saw the first person staring her down as she drove past Shorty’s. Slowly, everyone who was minding their own business a minute ago turned their attention to her and started walking towards the truck. Nicole hit the steering wheel in frustration and swore under her breath as they blocked the road ahead of her. This day really couldn’t get any worse, she thought. 

Nicole started remembering the last time she came into town. A couple of days after getting discharged from the hospital Rachel drove her to her apartment to grab some of her things. While they were down there Nicole wanted to check out the station and ask around about Nedley. She’s tried calling but either no one answers or there is just strange static and noises on the other end. After going to her apartment she noticed people on the street leering at her. They were people she didn’t recognize. It seemed that when they evacuated the town the rather unsavory residents of Purgatory stayed behind, and invited their equally unsavory friends. 

As fast as she could on her crutches, Nicole went from her apartment to the station, receiving stares all along the way even though it was only a few buildings over. She had Rachel stay in the truck with the doors locked until she came back out. She could see that the lights were off inside but nothing could’ve prepared her for what she saw when she opened the doors to the station. The welcome desk had what looked like red paint spilled all over the top of it, there was graffiti covering almost every inch of wall space and everything there looked like it had been ransacked. Desks were flipped over, papers were scattered all around the place, broken glass covered the floor. Making her way into the building more she heard a low growling sound coming from her office. She didn’t have the heart to take off Nedley’s name when she became sheriff but it was technically now her office. 

Slowly opening the door she softly whispered, “Nedley?” even though she knew the chances of it being him were low. 

Hearing her voice, the growling stop and suddenly something pulled the on the other side of the door open, almost knocking her over. She grabbed onto the handle of her crutch to steady herself. 

“Well, well, what do we have here?” A man with olive-tinted skin asked, red liquid dripping from his sharp teeth over his chin. “I was wondering when Ms. Sheriff would come to check on her precious station…” He licked the liquid from around his mouth as he eyed Nicole up and down.

The man, if you could even call him that, dragged a sharp dirty nail under Nicole’s chin. She scrunched her nose and moved her head away at the action. Whatever he was, he was much closer to her than she would like. 

“Do you know where Nedley is?” she choked out, his stench reaching her nose, having her swallow a gag that threatened to come up. 

“Tisk-tisk-tisk, little girl. And this station isn’t his or yours anymore, it's  _ ours.”  _

Suddenly, Nicole looked behind the creature in front of her and noticed the army of nearly identical ones behind him, lurking in every corner of the room. Then she saw  _ it.  _ A body, or what was left of one, laying on the desk, mauled beyond recognition. Every part of her was just hoping that it wasn’t Nedley’s body that they were snacking on. 

Holding down her lunch she moved to turn around and get away from there. Then, before she knew it, she was face down on the hard concrete of the floor. Turning her head back, she saw the creature with one of her crutches in his hand, looking down at her with a sinister smirk on his face. 

“Leaving so soon, are we? And here I thought we were having so much fun.” 

~---~

Yelling from the side of her vehicle brought Nicole out of her memory. Someone hit the side of the truck and she flinched at the action. She could barely hear what they were screaming but she got bits and pieces. Most of which included “Ginger-crotch wannabe sheriff bitch!” or “Thought you could come over here? You don’t belong here anymore, Princess.” Almost everything she heard was some variation of those two. After the day she had she really just wanted to get back to the Homestead and eat dinner in peace.

Nicole moved about 10 feet in five minutes when she decided she had enough. She slammed on the brakes and rushed out of the vehicle, getting in the face of the first person she saw. 

“What do you want for me, huh? Haven’t I lost enough? Can’t I just fucking get home in peace?!” 

Nicole was yelling and she didn’t care. She didn’t have Waverly, she didn’t have Wynonna, there wasn’t much else they could take from her. The man's face she was yelling at turned into a menacing smile that reminded too much of the Grinch, which she was terrified of as a kid. Her parents always demanded they watch it together every year.

“We want you,” he licked his lips and took a step closer, “and your little brat…” 

He motioned with his hand across his neck and motioned toward the side where behind the station were three people hanging with bags over their heads. Nicole suddenly got very tense remembering the one thing she cared about that they could take away - Rachel. 

“Well, I would rather that not happen,” she said as she popped her lips together. So, if you could just let me leave, that would be  _ greatly  _ appreciated,” Nicole said as she took backward steps towards the truck. 

“If you want to leave unharmed, girly,” he said taking steps forward as she moved back, raking a finger through her hair, “you best be bartering something.” 

Nicole gulped but didn’t let her resolve down. She simply walked to the back of the truck, opened the tailgate, and hopped up. Opening the bin that was bungeed to the bed, she took out one of the two guns and tossed it at the man. 

“Here. Now let me leave and don’t you dare think of using that on me or my family. I have  _ plenty  _ more where that came from.” 

The man inspected the gun and, deciding it would do, called his men back. She looked over the crowd from the bed of her truck and saw the ‘new’ sheriff outside of the station smirking back at her. Nicole breathed out a small breath of frustration and got back into the driver’s seat after resecuring the bungee. She could feel the angry glares from the residents looking over those shoulders but she just looked forward and headed home. She didn’t belong there anymore. 

Finally pulling into the Homestead, Nicole took a breath of relief. She was finally home; she could relax, maybe watch another episode of  _ Passions  _ with Rachel over some homemade pizza. 

Nicole started unloading the truck and suddenly halted midway to the door when something seemed  _ very  _ off. She quickly looked around and saw what was out of place. The trap they set for trespassers to the right of the Homestead was triggered, meaning something was inside of it, and Rachel hadn't come out of the house yet. She was usually pretty timely with hearing the truck and coming to help bring things in. 

Nicole dropped the bags she was carrying and ran into the house. She flung the door open and yelled Rachel’s name as she hastily made her way through the home. With no answer, she grabbed her shotgun and rushed back outside. She put her back against the siding as she checked around the corner of the house to make sure danger wasn't coming her way. She had to stay safe for Rachel. 

Not seeing any movement, she swiftly turned the corner and looked down into the hole where the trap was activated. There a creature was trying to claw its way up when it spotted her. 

"Ohh, well hello there. Would you be a dear and help me out of this hole I seem to have tripped into?" 

The creature had a voice like sandpaper and blister-like bumps covering its skin. Nicole always had to remind herself that no matter how much they looked like humans, they weren't. They were monsters.

Nicole kicked dirt at it and aimed her shotgun at its head. She was just about to pull the trigger, despite the creature’s protests, when she heard a painful moan around the back of the house. She looked down at the monster and figured it wasn't going anywhere and rushed to where she heard the sound from. 

Tears started forming in her eyes as she saw Rachel sitting with her back against the Homestead, holding her bleeding arm as tears silently streamed down her face. Nicole rushed to her and quickly evaluated her. Seeing the injury on her arm still gushing blood, she knew she had to take care of it before anything else. 

"Can you walk?" Nicole asked with a gentle voice, putting a finger underneath Rachel's chin to make eye contact. 

The younger girl just shook her head slightly as a sod wracked her body. Nicole nodded once in acknowledgment and sprung into action. She lifted Rachel in a bridal position and went through the back door of the home into the kitchen. She placed her on one of the kitchen chairs and grabbed the first aid kit.

She gently grabbed Rachel's arm with a towel to further examine the injury. It was a deep wound, about a half-inch in width, and shaped perfectly like a circle. Nicole rinsed it off with water as Rachel hissed at the pain it caused. 

"I've got to apply pressure now, okay? It's going to hurt but I need to do it." 

Nicole waited for Rachel to nod before placing the towel over the wound and pressing down. She waited a few minutes until the initial pain had subsided a little before asking any questions. 

"Now, what the hell happened when I was gone?" Nicole asked more gently than her words suggested. 

"Um," Rachel choked out, "the trap alarm went off and, I, I did what we practiced, you know? I grabbed the gun and went to the trap, checked my surroundings, and… and right, right when I was about to shoot the thing another one came around the corner. I shot at it but it, it was too fast. I started to run," Rachel took a shaky breath before continuing, "you… you always say know when to run, don’t try to be brave. And I did, but the next thing I know it has its nail, its  _ talon _ , stuck in my arm and I'm against the Homestead.” she laughed sadly as she tried to lighten the mood, “ It's what I imagine Buffy's stakes feel like going through a vampire. It, um, it ran off to the barn after I think.”

Nicole closed her eyes and tried to stop the tears that were threatening to fall before she fully registered what Rachel just said. Her eyes got wide, "Wait, it's in the barn?" 

Rachel nodded slightly, "I think so. My eyes were shut but I think I heard it move that way." 

Nicole placed Rachel's hand on top of the towel. "Keep putting pressure on that. Don't move until I get back, okay?" 

Nicole didn't wait for an answer before she turned around, picking up the gun on her way out. She carefully made her way to the barn making sure not to make any noise as she walked through the slowly melting snow. She saw an area where the creature tore off one of the boards from the barn and entered.

She peered inside and saw it digging through things in the barn harshly whispering "Where is it?" over and over again. 

The creature was facing away from her and she knew it was fast. She aimed her gun but couldn't get a good angle from where she was. Stepping through the broken board quietly, she then cleared her throat to get its attention, the gun already aimed. The second it turned around, black blood covered the barn walls. 

Nicole made her way back to its little friend in the trap who was sneering up at her. She gave it one look in the eye before demanding "Don't,” she kicked dirt into the hole, “fuck with my family." She shot him right between the eyes. 

* * *

**12 months**

Rachel knew what day it was. After all, a year ago today she found out her mother was dead after six months of hoping that somehow she was still alive. However, as hard as this day was going to be for her she knew it was going to be harder for Nicole. Rachel had six months to prepare for her mother being dead and knew there wasn’t a chance she was going to come back. She could see how the not knowing and the hope fading away was slowly destroying Nicole. The red-head didn’t know how often Rachel checked on her in the middle of the night since the knife incident. Sometimes she would open the door to her room and not see in bed and start to panic until she would go downstairs and see the woman curled up on the couch, grasping a blanket in front of her. Other times, when things got really bad, Rachel would see her out the window, sitting on the porch with a shotgun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. Nicole never brought it up so Rachel figured it was best if she didn’t mention it. 

Rachel got up from bed early, the sun just rising outside the small window of her attic bedroom. She wanted to check on Nicole and make her a coffee and breakfast to help her get through the day. She crept down the creaky hallway and opened the door to Nicole’s room. Rachel knitted her brows together as she looked at the empty neatly made bed. Figuring Nicole must have had one of her nights when she went to the couch she went downstairs expecting to find her there. When she also found the couch empty, she started to get worried until she went to the kitchen and found a note on the fridge. 

_ Went out for a little bit. Don’t worry. Stay inside and stay safe. I’ll be home soon. - Nicole _

~---~

Nicole was laying down as she saw the sun start to rise out of the corner of her eye. She stretched her arms as far as they would go and grabbed at the leaves on the ground as she closed her eyes. 

“Waverly,” she pleaded in a whisper, “ _ please _ come back to me.” 

Even though the stairs weren’t there, Nicole knew this was where Waverly was taken away from her. Part of her wishes that could've been there, maybe change the outcome. Part of her was still mad at Wynonna for drugging her and making it so she couldn't be there to possibly save Waverly. But deep down she knew it wouldn't have made a difference. Still, it didn’t stop the parade of self-blaming thoughts from constantly attacking her. 

It had been a year. A whole year without them. Nicole dryly laughed at the fact. When Waverly went to the garden they were dating for almost 11 months. Their two year anniversary would be coming up. Can you count yourself as still dating someone when you haven't seen or talked to them for longer than you were together? Nicole pondered the question but knew the answer didn't matter. As long as she was alive she would be Waverly’s. The angel had her heart and always would, no matter where she was. 

She made her way to this clearing in the woods at 4am when nothing she did at the Homestead made it feel like Waverly was any closer to her. She knew the woods weren’t the safest place to be; creatures of all sorts coming from them. But she had been here enough searching for Nedley that she knew the few hours a day that they were at rest. She hoped being at the last place Waverly was on this earth would bring her closer to her. Bring her the feeling of comfort only the other woman could. 

Instead, she felt numb. The crisp hair cutting at her dry skin. She knew she had to go home soon. She brought a gun along in case she had to face anything out here but she was really wishing that she didn’t have to. She was hoping Rachel would still be sleeping when she got back but she left a note just in case she woke up. She couldn't risk her panicking and going out to look for her. Not since she got hurt. Nicole wouldn't let her get hurt again. 

Nicole looked up at the sky and imagined what it would be like to have Waverly here with her now. Her cold hand holding the leaves being gently held. Waverly's head resting on her shoulder. A calmness surrounding both of them, like they were in their own little world inside a world that seemed so hard to live in sometimes. A warmness surrounded Nicole at the thought and she knew, no matter what, she would  _ always _ love Waverly and she would always keep fighting for her. 

~---~

It was almost 8am when Nicole opened the door to the Homestead. She entered quietly hoping not to wake Rachel if she wasn't already up. She soon realized that was a moot point when she saw Rachel eating a bowl of cereal at the table and raising an eyebrow at her. 

Nicole nodded before Rachel even said anything knowing that Rachel knew she was dealing with stuff and assumed she had to get away from it all for a little bit. However, she knew her not being there and not knowing where she was probably still worried her, not that Rachel would ever say that out loud. Nicole walked up to the table and put her hands on the back of one of the chairs. 

"When you finish your breakfast meet me in the barn, okay?" Nicole said looking Rachel straight in the eyes. 

Rachel nodded silently, a spoon full of Lucky Charms in her mouth. She knew the look in Nicole’s eyes was a serious one and there was no point in arguing when she had that look. 

With that acknowledgment, Nicole turned around and made her way back outside to the barn. Since the last incident, Nicole fixed up the siding and added reinforcements to them from the inside, making it nearly impossible to break them off. She also upgraded the barricade to an advanced lock system that only she and Rachel knew how to open. So far, it had done the trick and there hadn't been any more break-ins to the barn. 

Once the barn was fully unlocked, Nicole dragged a mat and the punching bag from a corner to the middle of the room. She spread out the mat and started doing stretches on it as she waited for Rachel. 

Rachel walked in with a questioning look on her face as she looked at Nicole and the equipment laid out. "What are we doing out here, red hot bubble-gum?" 

Nicole jumped up and bounced from toe to toe as she answered, sweat just beginning to form on her forehead, "We're training." 

Nicole knew that Rachel was skilled with a gun. Often when the emotions became too much for them and neither of them wanted to talk about it they would practice shooting in the yard by the fence. But she knew if she was attacked again like she was a few months ago, she needed to know hand to hand combat. And she needed to teach her. To keep her safe. Rachel was the only family she had left and there was no way she was letting anything take that away from her. 

~---~

_ My angel, _

_ It's been a year and you're still as much in my heart as you were then. I think about all of the moments we would have had together in the past year and I get overwhelmed at the amount of time that was robbed from us. At times when I feel like life is the most unfair for taking you away from me, I remember it could've easily not given me any time with you at all. And I would take all the heartache and pain of the past year for the time I got to spend with you any day.  _

_ I think about our wedding. An arch set up in the field by the Homestead, an aisle outlined by daisy petals, your smile being all I see as you walk down it. I think about how Wynonna would pretend that something got in her eye when we would catch her crying. How Jeremy would just be openly weeping and Robin would hold his hand to comfort him. How we would have an empty seat for Dolls, knowing that he was still with us on our special day. Nedley walking me down the aisle as he tried not to cry. The most tender and loving kiss we would share after promising to spend the rest of our lives together.  _

_ There is nothing more in the world I want to do more than marry you, Waverly Earp. I know I was too shocked by your proposal to say yes before Wynonna interrupted us but I never had a doubt from the first time you kissed me that I would marry you, if you would have me.  _

_ I promise that I'll wait for you, my love. I'll keep the Homestead safe as I can until you're able to return. I've waited a year and I'll wait as many more as I need to for you to be in my arms again. I keep feeling you slip more and more away from me as time goes on but I'll always do what I need to to pull you closer.  _

_ I've spent more time in Purgatory now without you than with you but I wouldn't change a thing about our time together. I meant it when I said I have never loved anyone the way I love you. And I never will. You're it for me, Waverly Earp. I just hope that one day I'm able to tell you that and proudly call you my wife.  _

_ I tell Rachel about you all the time. I bet she's tired of all of the sappy stories I tell her and how often I repeat them but she never complains. I get her to talk about her mom too. It makes us feel closer to the ones we have lost. From her stories I can tell her mother was a great woman. It's really a shame that BBD took her away from her way too soon. I can tell the hatred Rachel has for them through her stories too. BBD has taken so much from both of us, so I understand. But I try to keep her mind off revenge as those thoughts often lead to that. She's too young for that and it's too dangerous. She has enough to worry about without trying to avenge her mother's wrongful death. I’ll do that on my own. For everything BBD has taken from both of us.  _

_ I'm going to try to get some sleep now, love. I've had a long day. It's so much harder to sleep without you here. Especially when the nightmares come. You used to always hold me while stroking my hair and telling me that you had me. I miss that. Now I stare up at the ceiling and wait for the nightmares to fade to a gentle roaring in the background. I hope I dream of you tonight instead. Goodnight, my Waverly.  _

_ Your future wife, _

_ Nicole Haught  _

* * *

**14 months, 1 week, 5 days**

Rachel could see the change in Nicole happening slowly. She was becoming harder. Everything was a routine now and Rachel went along with it because she knew that’s what Nicole needed. She needed Rachel to be safe. She needed the Homestead to be safe. She needed to control what she could. 

So, they made more traps. The attacks on the Homestead were getting more frequent, almost one every night. They now had six traps and they checked them every two hours to make sure nothing messed them up. And they trained. Rachel missed the days when they would watch  _ Passions  _ on repeat but she knew this was how it had to be. Anytime she would get Nicole to sit down for a second, one little noise would set her off and have her checking around the Homestead. 

Rachel blamed herself for getting injured. She knew that was when she really started to see the changes in Nicole. She couldn’t risk her too. Not after everything she lost. So Rachel did what she had to do to show Nicole she was being safe. The trips to the city became trips to the town next store so Nicole didn’t have to be away from her for too long. The grocery store there was a lot smaller so they got what they could. Rachel just missed her go-to snack of Cheez-its being in the cabinet. 

~---~

Nicole always had something to focus on so she didn’t dwell too much on her failures. Even then, with everything to do the thoughts still clawed their way into her mind and latched on for dear life. She did what she could to hide it from Rachel. She blamed herself for not being there when she got hurt and wasn't going to let that happen again. So she pushed everything down. How she was driven out of being sheriff of the town, how she kept failing again and again with finding Nedley, how she couldn't stand to look at Jeremy as he worked for BBD, not knowing how to locate Robin, how she couldn't bring her loved ones back from the Garden, how everything she did never seemed like enough. She pushed it down and put on a face that she hoped conveyed that she was okay. She was in control. 

It was the middle of the night but she couldn't sleep. Images of everyone she has failed flashing before her every time she closed her eyes. Waverly lying somewhere bleeding out and Nicole unable to help her. Not being able to take it anymore, Nicole took action. She heard a faint noise outside and made that a reason to check around the Homestead. 

She took a gun and a flashlight and threw on a jacket as she made her way out the door. She carefully checked each trap and nothing was out of place. Even though she knew it was unlikely anything got in, she checked the barn too. Anything to distract herself from going back to bed; back to the haunting thoughts. 

Nicole took her time unlocking the barn and did a perimeter check when she got inside. Once she guaranteed the coast was clear she sat down on the makeshift hay bed that was still in the corner of the barn. Even after all of the remodeling she had done on the barn, she couldn't bring herself to get rid of it. She closed her eyes and ran her hand over the scratchy blanket that covered it. Vivid memories of kissing Waverly in this exact spot so long ago before Willa caught them flooding her brain. She usually would push these thoughts out but she welcomed them now, anything to take away the constant feeling of pain that was plaguing her. 

It was all so new then and Nicole didn’t like the sneaking around, but she’d do anything for Waverly, still would. When Willa caught them and threatened to tell Wynonna about them, Nicole really wanted to stay. She wanted to stay and protect Waverly from her mean and seemingly homophobic sister that came back from the dead but she knew it was Waverly’s fight. Of course, it became both of their fight when Willa shot Nicole, and then the thing that took her used Waverly as a host. Nicole chuckled at the fact that she was remembering all of this and  _ missing  _ it. They were going through so much together at that time but at least they had their little family. At least she wasn’t alone. Between Willa, revenants, the widows, Bulshar, and all the other countless obstacles in their way, they had been through so much. But they went through it together. Nicole went through the past fourteen months alone. She was finding it harder to keep the hope that her family would come back safe and sound; and the hope that they’d come back, and Rachel, were the only things that kept her going. 

She had really tried with Jeremy. He came back to town after five months of her looking for him, Robin, and the others that went missing when the town was evacuated. She was  _ so  _ happy to see him. She thought that having at least one member of their found family back would be good; they could work together to get the rest back. He told her that he never saw Robin after they were taken from the Homestead and she promised to help him look for him. But that was before he told her  _ why  _ he came back. He came back to work for BBD. The people who killed Rachel’s mother. The people who were responsible for Dolls’ death.  _ The enemy.  _

Nicole pushed down her anger and resentment when she was around Jeremy but she knew he could sense it. She really didn’t blame him for not checking in on her more often. She just wished things could go back to the way they were, with all of them around the kitchen table having a family dinner. But she knew it would never be that way again. Too much had happened, too much had changed, too much was lost. 

She opened her eyes and took a deep breath out. The pain was creeping its way back and she had to shut it down; push it down until she didn’t feel anything. It was easier that way. Maybe then, she could get some sleep. 

* * *

**16 months, 2 days**

Nicole put off the visit to the grocery store as much as she could, but not having any kind of milk or creamer for her morning coffee was the last straw. She was sleeping less and less every night as the attacks on the Homestead became more frequent and she  _ needed  _ her morning coffee if she was going to survive. She didn’t like leaving Rachel but at least this was quicker than her visits to the big city. Nicole quickly wrote a list of what they needed and let Rachel know where she was going and with a stern instruction to lock the doors and stay inside. It would only be 45-minutes. 

Arriving back at the Homestead with the three bags of groceries, Nicole instantly knew something was wrong. The front door to the Homestead was slightly ajar. Fearing that Rachel was hurt again, or worse, Nicole raced into the house, closing the door behind her, shouting Rachel’s name before finding her in the hallway slumped over and crying. 

“Rachel, Rachel, are you okay?” she asked as she frantically checked every part of her and knelt beside her. 

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Rachel shakily whispered as she pushed the red-head away. The younger girl lifted her head to meet Nicole’s eyes before quickly turning away. “I’m just,  _ I’m so sorry,”  _ she shook out as the sobs took over again. 

Nicole sat on the floor next to her and stroked her hair, happy that Rachel stopped pushing her away from her.

“Sorry for what, Valdez? You don’t have anything to be sorry for. Whatever happened, it’s okay.” 

Nicole kept reassuring Rachel and stroking her hair until her sobs got quieter and she looked up at Nicole. 

“She got out,” Rachel said in a scratchy whisper, so softly that Nicole barely heard it. 

But she heard it. And even though she knew what it meant, the denial came in quicker. She asked the question even though she knew what the answer would be. 

“Um, who got out, Rachel?” she choked out, swallowing the tears she knew would inevitably come. 

Rachel put her head back on her knees as she breathed out, “CJ.” 

Nicole’s not sure at what point she left Rachel’s side and grabbed CJ’s cat treats but the next thing she knew she was walking around the perimeter of the Homestead shaking the treats and calling CJ. She was out there for hours until the sun went down and left her in the dark, calling for a cat that wasn’t coming. 

She went back inside passing Rachel who was sitting on the couch. She looked like she wanted to say something but decided against it. Nicole was too tired physically and emotionally to deal with anything else tonight. She went up to Waverly’s room and cried herself to sleep, wishing she had Waverly and Calamity to keep her company. 

~---~

_ Nicole was heading back from her last day at the police academy and she was exhausted. She was making her way to her shitty studio apartment on the fourth floor when she heard the smallest meow coming from underneath the stairs. Pretty sure she was hearing things due to her long day, Nicole continued up the stairs until the meow got considerably louder. Already up one flight of stairs, she sighed knowing that in good conscience she couldn't keep going without making sure whatever was making the noise was okay.  _

_ She went back down the stairs and went underneath where she thought the meows were coming from. Nicole looked all around and couldn’t find anything until she heard a louder meow come from above her. She looked up and saw the tiniest orange kitten stuck up on one of the supporting beams. Locking eyes with her, the kitten screamed for help again.  _

_ Even though she was exhausted, Nicole quickly sprung into action. She ran to the side of the building looking for something to climb on to get to the kitten. All that she could find was a questionably sturdy trash can and decided that it would do. She dragged it back to underneath the stairs and climbed on it to try to reach the kitten. She reached up to grab it and the kitten latched to her hand with all of it’s tiny claws. Nicole hissed at the pain but was careful not to react, afraid of falling or scaring the cat away.  _

_ Gently she got down and brought the orange bundle of fur to her chest. The kitten nuzzled it’s way into Nicole’s long hair and started sucking on her ear lobe.  _

_ “Hey, buddy, slow down there. Usually, I would make you buy me dinner first,” she laughed out but didn’t stop the kitten.  _

_ She climbed the four flights of stairs with the kitten resting on her shoulder and knew then that she would do anything to protect it. She never had animals growing up but instantly felt a connection with this small one.  _

_ “You know,” she said as she opened her apartment door, “if you’re a girl, that’s pretty rare. Only like 20% of orange cats are female. And only 2% of the population has red hair. So if you’re a girl kitty, we’re both pretty rare.”  _

_ Settling into her apartment she picked the cat off her shoulder and looked into its little eyes, instantly falling in love.  _

_ ~---~ _

The next day Nicole walked the stretch from the Homestead to the center of town, a pile of posters in hand. She taped up missing posters of Calamity Jane on every pole she could find all advertising a $200 reward. Nicole knew her chances were low. Everyone in this town hated her. She imagined that this is how Wynonna felt her whole life in this town. And even if some of them didn’t hate her, the chances of someone finding her before a monster was extremely rare. But Nicole had to at least try. 

She woke up early to start hanging them up, not like she got much sleep anyway. Rachel was already up when she left and looked like she wanted to talk but Nicole just told her to watch the Homestead while she was gone. It was nighttime but the time she returned but Rachel was waiting for her on the couch when she entered the house. 

Rachel stood up quickly from the couch when she heard the door open and a disheveled Nicole walked in. 

“I’m so, so, so, sorry, Nicole. I was just going to check the traps real quick but I forgot my kombucha on the table, so I went to grab it…” 

Rachel was talking really fast but Nicole interrupted before she could finish. 

“It’s fine, Rachel. I know you didn’t do it on purpose,” she said dejectedly 

Rachel studied Nicole and wanted to say more but knew there wasn’t anything she could say to make it better. Nicole just looked so lost. 

Without another word, Nicole made her way upstairs and went into bed after taking off her jacket and shoes, not even bothering to change her clothes. She laid on her side and stared at the picture of Waverly as she finally let her tears fall. 

~---~

_ They had only been dating for a few weeks when Waverly was over Nicole’s apartment one night. They were taking things slow and Nicole was okay with that. She knew Waverly had to come to terms with what their relationship meant and find a way to tell Wynonna. She knew that was going to be the hardest part for her. She had just gotten her sister back and she didn’t want to give Wynonna a reason to leave her again.  _

_ Nicole knew Waverly was upset because of something at Black Badge and told her she would make dinner for the two of them to cheer her up. Waverly had enthusiastically agreed and was currently dancing to a top-50’s channel on the radio while cutting up some onions. Nicole looked back at her from where she was at the stove and instantly smiled at the other woman. It seemed like everything the other woman did made Nicole’s heart soar.  _

_ They finished cooking and eating dinner and they chatted on the couch, Waverly’s legs over Nicole’s lap as they told stories back and forth. They both knew it was getting late and that Waverly would have to leave soon. They let the conversation drift off as they both looked at the clock with the same thought; they didn’t want to leave the other.  _

_ Waverly bit her bottom lip between her teeth as she tucked her legs underneath her and looked up at Nicole through her eyelashes.  _

_ “What if I… didn’t leave?” she asked nervously, the question barely coming out.  _

_ Nicole looked back at her in shock, her mouth open but not saying anything.  _

_ “I mean, only if you don’t want me to. I can sleep on the couch or... Oh god, nevermind. I can just head home-”  _

_ “Waverly,” Nicole interrupted the other woman’s rambling and reached out to hold her hand, “I would love nothing more than you to stay. You just caught me off guard. Are you sure Wynonna won’t notice?” _

_ Waverly just nodded and smiled up at her, making Nicole melt at the sight.  _

_ “I’ll just text her I’m sleeping over Chrissy’s. That’s where she thinks I am anyways.”  _

_ Nicole beamed over at her girlfriend. Of course, she never wanted to be away from Waverly but she would have never suggested she sleepover. She always let Waverly set the pace.  _

_ Waverly sent a text off to Wynonna and stood up to straddle Nicole and started kissing her. With nothing to rush them, she wanted to show Nicole just how much she liked her.  _

_ Things quickly escalated and they ended up in Nicole’s bedroom with Waverly lying on her back and Nicole over her. Nicole separated her lips from Waverly's and looked down at her girlfriend. She knew she would have to stop them before they did something that Waverly wasn't ready for.  _

_ "Waverly," Nicole breathed out, the younger woman still trying to pull her back down, "why don't we try to get some sleep it's getting late."  _

_ Waverly pouted but gave in. Somewhere between all the kissing, it had become very late and she could feel the fatigue hitting her body. Nicole got off of her and went to her dresser to get Waverly a shirt and shorts. She gave them to her girlfriend with a kiss on her forehead before heading to the bathroom to do her nightly routine and maybe cool down a little bit from their makeout session.  _

_ Fifteen minutes later Nicole came back in the room and her heart jumped at the sight in front of her. Waverly was laying on a pillow, curled up underneath the covers sound asleep. Right next to her curled up and sleeping as well, was Calamity Jane. The cat rarely slept in bed with her and never really liked strangers that well so she was surprised to find her there.  _

_ Nicole bent down and kissed both Waverly and CJ's foreheads, stopping at the cat's to whisper, "I'm happy you like her because I really do too."  _

* * *

**18 months, 3 weeks, 4 days**

The day was like any other day. Rachel was getting antsy since Nicole never lets her leave the house so she let her drive to the next town to get groceries; she kept complaining that she was running out of her kombucha ingredients. Nicole took watch over the Homestead, keeping watch out of the window for movement in case something got by the traps. It was about an hour of watching out the window and Nicole was about to leave to get something to drink when she saw something making their way towards the Homestead. 

Quickly forgetting her thirst, she ran out to the porch and shot at the direction of whatever was coming to attack the Homestead. 

"Eat shit, shit-eater! I'm warning you, no trespassing!" she yelled as two shots hit the tree in front of where the intruder was.

That's when she saw  _ her. _ She stared out at her and blinked, waiting for the vision to disappear. But it didn't. Waverly was standing there and she was  _ exactly  _ how she remembered. 

"Waverly?" she choked out as she lowered her gun, squinting her eyes to see the woman in front of her. She couldn't believe it but her visions of her girlfriend were never this realistic. 

As the other woman stared back and started running towards her, Nicole rushed to put her gun down and ran, stopping shortly in front of her as Waverly rammed into her. She grasped on to her and buried her head into Waverly’s neck, soaking in her presence. It was really her. The warm feeling that she hadn't felt in so long blossomed inside her as she smelled vanilla, lilies, and  _ home.  _

"It's me. It's me," she heard Waverly whisper quietly as they embraced each other fiercely. 

She carefully pulled back to look at her and take it all in. It was Waverly,  _ her  _ Waverly. 

"Oh god, it's you!" Waverly said as she cupped Nicole's face in her mitten-covered hand before pulling her back in to embrace again, Nicole returning it even tighter like she would never let her go again. 

"I'm home," Waverly whispered against her as they swayed back and forth, both slightly unsteady from the tight embrace but not willing to let go at all. And Nicole thought truer words were never spoken. After 18 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days, Nicole was  _ home _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about all the angst but feel free to yell at me over on tumblr @toogayforthisbull! I loved/hated writing this and had to go back and rewrite some of it after 4x03. Should I write some of the missing scenes from here or continue into season 4? Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Thank you for my betas @earpiestofthemall and @nyxxyn22 on tumblr. Ya'll make me feel a lot better about putting it out into the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my little angsty fic. There's gonna be a part two with the second half of when they were gone. Kudos and comments are always appreciated :) If you want to yell at me visit me on tumblr @toogayforthisbull.


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